Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Meditating Out Load

Found this blog post – unpublished - in my draft folder. It’s dated August 2012. Today I am publishing it, because why the heck not. Plus, it’s still a struggle. I think it will always be.


In my mind I wish for a do-over, though I am certain that doing so would exhaust me: heart and soul. But still, I wish it {I} would have been different.
I wish I would have laughed more. Surrounded myself with mine and not worried about the rest. I wish I would have been present, but not overly involved. Judged less and ignored more. I wish I would have let it all roll off my back and not unpacked my hasty complaints onto Spencer. But mainly I wish I could have been more confident – realizing that I can’t {and never will} please self indulgent desires.
It is something that I’ve struggled with since it began, really: trying to find my place in a place where I don’t really feel I belong.
In the beginning the struggle was consuming, harmfully so. There were tears. I have since learned to not let the obvious disconnect bother me, thankfully. First realizing that we stand outside the circle, and then later realizing that outside is the far better place to stand.
And then once conquered the struggle morphed into something different. And that struggle - once conquered - morphed into something different too. And so it goes, I guess. Struggle, conquer, morph. Struggle, conquer, morph.
To conquer this current struggle I realize I must be less consumed. To not analyze or scrutinize. To not sweat the small stuff. To be tactfully honest in all things. To take a stand, not aiming to please and being okay with saying “no”. To realize that all conversation will be one sided and to be okay with that. To listen, but not spread. Discuss - but only with Spencer - and then wash it away letting the words be forgotten. To be more patient, more forgiving and less anxious. To relax. To not belittle or make snarky remarks. To not be critical and to be careful of sarcasm. But most importantly, to treat everyone like their family.
I realize that this battle is an internal one, and therefore, one that can be fought only by me. But I am capable of conquering, and I will.


Erin said...

Oh my gosh this hit home. Wow. I have never been able to eloquently put my feelings and frustrations about my relationship with John's family into words and here you have unintentionally done it for me. Complete perfection. It's an extremely tough battle. I know your struggle (I mean feelings wise since I don't know the specific issue you are talking about here) and feel your pain. Hang in there... unless you don't feel this way anymore. :-)

Kamilla said...

I think we all have these internal struggles and I just hope you know how wonderful I think you are. I admire your desire to improve and overcome. I hope things get better and remember to give yourself credit for being a good friend and an amazing, beautiful person!

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