Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rethinking the Welcome Mat

Dear Mr. Kirby Man,
Ohhh…you are so sly!
Offering a FREE CARPET SHAMPOO TODAY ONLY. Informing me that it was part of a free advertising plan for your company that was looking to open its doors in my little town. Offering to clean my children's car seats at NO CHARGE OR OBLIGATION. And somehow forgetting to inform me that you were actually a Kirby Vacuum salesman there to steal three hours of my time and $2,000 of my money!
I'm not sure why you thought that I would succumb to your manipulative tactics.
Maybe it was because um…my sweet neighbor…umm….Judy (as you scan your chicken scratched list of neighborhood names) just bought three of whatever you were selling and was just certain that I would love the product.
{Although, I must promise that if I get the product at a cheaper price than you gave ummm….Jjjumm …my neighbor, Jackie! Yeah Jackie! I must promise not to discuss it with her. Seeing how she just happily purchased the product for twice that price!}
Or maybe, on your way up to my door, you past by the two college students that were trying to round up enough funds to go to Mexico to teach the children English. I'm sure they told you that I was a BIG FAT SUCKER! that couldn't say no. They probably disclosed the fact that if you found a common acquaintance (say a roommate) that I would even give you twice as much money as originally planned.
Or possibly you knew that cleaning the kids car seats was on the top of my "to do" list for the day.
Whatever the reason, the way you entered my house with the freshly polished apparatus and the way that you pompously collected dirt samples from my freshly vacuumed floor irritated me.
I'm not gonna lie; somewhere around the 18th dirt sample I became weak. I awed over the suction power of your coveted Kirby. I momentarily pictured myself pushing around a Kirby vacuum in high heels and freshly applied red lipstick. But then I promptly remembered that red isn't my color, high heels make me nervous and paying $2000 for a VACUUM is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!
Oh, but Mr. Kirby Man, you should be proud. You and all of your cunning sales strategies was the last straw. And tomorrow I will be hanging a little sign that
says this:
right here:
P.S. If, at your next sales meeting, you sit next to:
  • the gentleman that stopped by my house two weeks ago trying to sale a miracle cleaning product that would make my marble floor, bathroom mirrors, granite counter tops and kitchen utensils shine, or…
  • the duo of well dressed twenty something that stopped by last week to make sure my family had enough OVERPRICED food storage in case of FINANCIAL emergency, or…
  • yesterday's book saleslady from Europe who barely spoke English but still wanted to "discuss" my children's reading habits, or…
  • the home security guys that showed up during the middle of dinner and when informed of their poor timing still continued to give me a 45 minute sales pitch, or…
  • any of the other SEVENTEEN door-to-door salesmen that have stopped by our house this summer,
PLEASE do me a favor and inform them that our front door is now home of a cute little "NO SOLICITING" sign! Many thanks.
Dear Miniature Door-to-door Salesmen,
If you are too short to reach my doorbell/ride your bike to my house/come to my front door while your mom waits for you in the minivan/or don't know what soliciting means you are always welcome to knock on my door. I would love to buy girl scout cookies/a raffle ticket to help your soccer team/frozen cookie dough/a candle/a calendar or whatever else you're selling. I wouldn't even mind sponsoring you for the upcoming school walk-a-thon/dance competition/football or baseball tournament! Just promise that when you grow-up you won't be a Kirby/Home Security System/Cleaning product/Cutco Knifes/Encyclopedia/Vitamin Door-to-door Salesman.


Jami said...

DId I ever tell you I think your a dork!!! I LOVE your new look to your blog it is really cute!!! Maybe one day I will be as talented as you to do it and to post good entertaining stories....Until then....I will stick to my once a millenium blogging!!!

Katie said...

Hysterical commentary on True Life Sales. Ugh. My favorite are the carpet/air filtration salesmen who insinuate that if I really loved my family, I'd pay $3500 to make sure our air was clean.

Just so you know, I think your sign might ward off some of your shorter salespeople. I won't let Alli try to sell her Girl Scout cookies anywhere a no soliciting sign is posted.

Kali Jo said...

holy cow I laughed so hard. remeber how excited that our roomate(what's hername...wasn't jentry was it?)was to do just that? I also got sucked into letting a saleman in my home (on monte vista) good thing i was on my way out. poor guy! lovet the sign it is so sophisticated lloking but makes a statement!

Stacey Crandall said...

Kim, I just love you! You truly should write for the paper in your cute little town or something! You are such a talented funny writer! I love it~ Keep it up! PS I hate the Kirby guy!

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