Monday, February 21, 2011

I like to call it Apple Green.

I felt his stare from across the bright colored climbing toys.  You know that feeling when someone’s eyes are upon you?  When you want to look, you’re going to look, you know you shouldn’t look, but, still, you look.  And then the eye contact, it’s awkward.  Quick, uncomfortable, you look away; trying to pretend it never happen.  Until it happens again, of course, and then there’s no denying.
Why’s he looking at me!?  Do I know him?  He doesn’t look familiar.  Oh, for crap sake. . . I just caught his eye again.  Why does he keep looking at me?  
Nose check?  Good.  Zipper check?  A-okay.  Zit check!?  
Ahh dang.  It’s probably this zit.  He’s totally staring at my zit (!!)  What a jerk, like he’s never had one. 
It was around 3:00 on a Thursday afternoon.  The kids and I had spent the morning demolishing the toy room and I was completely out of entertaining ideas.  It was too cold to spend the afternoon outside and we still had a good amount of time to waste before Brynlee’s ballet class.  And that’s the story behind how we found ourselves in the middle of the local mall playing on those germ-infested climbing toys.  We were joined by about ten other kids whose caretakers were obviously just as desperate as me.
I’d brought a big ole’ stack of reading material – that day’s newspaper, the mail, a cookbook, a FamilyFun magazine – and they were all rolled up and stuck in my oversized purse.  I’d already freed the kids of coats and shoes and while doing so had picked out an isolated, unclaimed corner to attend to my reading.  Just as I was about to read Abby’s response to Feeling Forgotten in Texas I felt his stare again.   This time he’d left his spot from across the play area and was sitting right next to me.  In my corner that I’d already claimed for mysellf.
I pretended to continue my reading while making sure I had tabs on both my children.  You can never be too safe.
“Ummm Miss. . . .?” 
I glanced up from my newspaper, looking right at him.  He was a good looking guy.  Early thirties, well dressed.  Business man would be my first guess, but then again it was 3:00 on a Thursday afternoon and he was hanging out at the mall play area – so, maybe not.
“What color is this?” he asked while pointing to my purse that was currently spewing personal belongings and reading material all over the bench next to me. 
“It’s” I was completely caught off guard.
“Lime green?” he finished for me.  “It’s lime green, right?  Isn’t that some kind of fashion faux pas?  A lime green purse?” 
Excuse me?  Who do you think you are?  You come over here, on my claimed turf, and start pointing out my ‘fashion faux pas’.  No, it’s not lime green.  It’s um. . .I don’t know. . . more of a. . .
“Yeah I guess that’s kind of what I am,” I answered back, pretending to find humor in the whole ordeal, “one big walking fashion faux pas!”
Wanna know what else is a fashion faux pas?  Having a zit on your chin.  A zit so big it should be paying your face rent.  Ya gonna mention that too, huh?  Why don’t you go ahead and point that out while you’re over here.
“It’s huge.  What do you carry in that thing?  A gun?”
I assume you’re still talking about my lime green purse and not my zit, thankyouverymuch.  And a gun’s not a bad idea; I think I’ll start carrying one.  And why do you think its okay to ask a girl - a girl you don’t even know - what she has stashed in her purse.  That’s personal.
“Well, a gun, a small library, and some goldfish” I answered his bizarre question while trying to shove my purses contents back into a part that could be zipped for safe keeping.
“A purse that big would be good for shoplifting” he continued the awkward conversation.  “Ever shoplifted with it?”
What the crap.  Shoplift?  Why did I agree to bring the kids here?  Am I really having this conversation?
“Never successfully!”  I smiled, and then turned my eyes back toward my newspaper hoping he would just go away.
“Well the good news is,” he continued, not letting my newspaper reading put an end to our enlightening conversation,” that with your blue eyes and your beautiful smile no one will even notice the lime green purse.”
Say wha!!  Did he just hit on me?  He totally just hit one me.  Are you kidding!  At the play area in the mall?  Didn’t he see my kids?  My wedding ring?  And most importantly, the zit?  He couldn’t have missed that zit.  Was the talk of lime green purses and fashion faux pas part of his hitting on me tactics?  Or was he really disgusted by my purse. 
Now what?  What do I say?  Should I pretend I didn’t hear him?
“Um. . . thanks?” I mumbled glancing back at my newspaper.
And then he continued talking to me while I watched my kids, read my paper and texted my husband.

And then, to make an escape, I pretended it was time for Brynlee to be at ballet.  I gathered the kids, took hold of my ‘lime green’ purse, and quickly said goodbye. 
He thanked me for the conversation and told me to keep smiling.  And then he winked at me.  Twice!
I decided he must have been drunk.
Happy Presidents Day, you guys.


Diana Smith said...

HAHAHA awkward! That was pretty funny! I loved your little text as to what you were thinking cause thats so what I would have thought. Who does that??? You must be too hot to funny!

The Smith Circle

Kimberlee said...

Oh heavens no, Diana. Definitely not too hot to handle. I mean, the guy was looking for a hot date at the mall playland on a Thursday afternoon. There probably wasn't a whole lot to choose from. :)

Jamie Walker said...

Oh my gosh this is hilarious!

Ladybird Ln said...

That is so funny! I love the texts to your hubby, and I think your green purse is darling! Thanks for the nice comments on my blog!

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

You are too funny! Thanks for the laugh! FYI I love your purse!

Angie said...

Your right Kim. Green Apple not Lime Green. And no way a fashion faux pas.

And your lying. You are to hot to handle.

Jami said...

Okay all can say is CREEPY!!!

tharker said...

That is hilarious, and awkward at the same time! He was probably waiting for his job interview at The Buckle (because i'm pretty sure that it is required to hit on moms with kids in tow at that store) It happened to me, true story. Although what was I doing at the buckle in the first place? I'm way too old for that store!

Love the texts!

kylee said...

get outtttt. that is creep to the max! but because you all left safe & sound it really is pretty hilarious. his pick up lines were killing me. gun, shoplifting, lime green purses. note to self: when i'm married with a couple of kiddos beware of the man who comments on big colorful purses.

Trulymegs said...

Too funny! I've had some pretty funny stories, but not to that extent.

Miranda said...

wait wait wait, What the What the WHAT? That did not happen to you. Who does that even happen to? I can't believe that happened to you. It's just that...I's so creepy...and that bag is so not lime green...a gun?

Jen said...

Okay, first of all I have not been hit on by anybody under 65 since 2001.
I'm so jealous! You are one hot mama!

Katie said...

You still got it!

Kimberlee said...

Jealous Jen? Don't be. The guy was creeeppy and obviously a couple pineapples shy of a luau. The weird part was that he looked like a normal (even kind of good lookin) guy. Which only added to the awkwardness. I'm not sure which is worse though: 65 and senile or 30ish and CREEPY. Sixes I guess. Things like this make me so glad I'm happily married.

smashLey said...

love it. so funny.

Rachel said...

Ha ha ha! Awesome! Way to go Kim, you still got it!

caihay said...

you are hilarious. love the blog!

Mary said...

Oh wow - AWKWARD!

Kali Jo said...

Hey! just so you know you can borrow my gun and the plus side is that you don't even have to carry it in the green apple purse cause it folds up nice and small. OH SHOOT that makes me sound just as creepy as the 30ish guy. X that. I don't have a gun...

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