Found this blog post – unpublished - in my
draft folder. It’s dated August 2012. Today I am publishing it, because why the
heck not. Plus, it’s still a struggle. I think it will always be.
.
.
.
In my mind
I wish for a do-over, though I am certain that doing so would exhaust me: heart
and soul. But still, I wish it {I} would have been different.
I wish I would have laughed more. Surrounded
myself with mine and not worried
about the rest. I wish I would have been present, but not overly involved. Judged
less and ignored more. I wish I would have let it all roll off my back and not
unpacked my hasty complaints onto Spencer. But mainly I wish I could have been
more confident – realizing that I can’t {and never will} please self indulgent desires.
It is something that I’ve struggled with since
it began, really: trying to find my place in a place where I don’t really feel
I belong.
In the beginning the struggle was consuming, harmfully
so. There were tears. I have since learned to not let the obvious disconnect
bother me, thankfully. First realizing that we stand outside the circle, and
then later realizing that outside is the far better place to stand.
And then once conquered the struggle morphed
into something different. And that
struggle - once conquered - morphed into something different too. And so it
goes, I guess. Struggle, conquer, morph. Struggle, conquer, morph.
To conquer this current struggle I realize I
must be less consumed. To not analyze or scrutinize. To not sweat the small
stuff. To be tactfully honest in all things. To take a stand, not aiming to
please and being okay with saying “no”. To realize that all conversation will
be one sided and to be okay with that. To listen, but not spread. Discuss - but
only with Spencer - and then wash it away letting the words be forgotten. To be
more patient, more forgiving and less anxious. To relax. To not belittle or
make snarky remarks. To not be critical and to be careful of sarcasm. But most
importantly, to treat everyone like their family.
I realize that this battle is an internal one,
and therefore, one that can be fought only by me. But I am capable of
conquering, and I will.
2 comments:
Oh my gosh this hit home. Wow. I have never been able to eloquently put my feelings and frustrations about my relationship with John's family into words and here you have unintentionally done it for me. Complete perfection. It's an extremely tough battle. I know your struggle (I mean feelings wise since I don't know the specific issue you are talking about here) and feel your pain. Hang in there... unless you don't feel this way anymore. :-)
I think we all have these internal struggles and I just hope you know how wonderful I think you are. I admire your desire to improve and overcome. I hope things get better and remember to give yourself credit for being a good friend and an amazing, beautiful person!
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