Sunday, October 10, 2010

An inadequate post.

Dad's farm at sunset.
I've felt so inadequate lately. I wish I could explain it. I've tried. But I just can't seem to pinpoint the exact reason for the massive serving of inadequacy garnished with even more inadequacy, and then served on white paper plates that are obviously inadequate for such an occasion.

Inadequacy is something that my mind usually doesn't bother itself with. I mean, I'm usually more bothered by the excessive side of the scale. I talk really loud, speak before I think, share more than anyone bargained for and interrupt more often than commercial breaks on the season opener of American Idol. I'm not saying that inadequacy isn't something that I struggle with, because HEAVEN HELP ME. {Don't tell anyone, but I don't even have an etsy shop or a photog business or make all my old shirts into perfectly sewn little dresses for my stylish daughter, and I'm not even going to tell you how much money I DIDN'T SAVE due to my inadequate ability to clip and organize coupons.} I'm just saying that I'm the proud owner of plenty other personality quirks that seem to trump the feeling of inadequacy.

But lately my inadequacy has all but consumed me.

You call yourself a good mom, Kim. {evil chuckle} Good moms don't forget about the laundry and allow it to mold in the washer until one starts to wonder what died. Good moms don't allow their boys to eat a solely hotdog diet for SIX DAYS IN A ROW. Seriously Kim, would you get it together. When was the last time you exercised, huh? Or read a book? You need to pay more attention to the needs of others, Kim. Be more aware. And your hair. Oh sweetie, your hair looks horrendous. Would you learn how to properly apply make-up, Kim. P.S. you need a new wardrobe. You are so inadequate. Sigh.

Most of the time my extreme optimism is able to ward off any feelings of inadequacies.

So what the kid hasn't eaten anything but hotdogs for a week. Every hotdog slice is saturated in ketchup before entering his mouth. So it's actually like he's eating tomatoes. By the truckload! And no biggie that the same load of laundry as been 'resting' in the washer since last Tuesday. The clothes were stained. They needed that extra soaking time.

And usually what I can't fight with the glass half-full scenario I'm able to overlook as something that I'm working on, something that I'm trying to improve, the whole "I'll do better next time" thing.

But lately I've been acutely aware of me and all my inadequacies. They've been starring me straight in the face begging for my surrender; taunting me to admit failure, to throw in the towel, to acknowledge an inadequate defeat.

It's not my inadequacies as a mother, or a wife, or a housekeeper, or a friend that seem to be getting the best of me. Although, no kidding, those inadequacies are as numerous as wedding announcements on the BYU campus.

What's really bothering me is the inadequacy that I've been feeling in my church calling. I'm the Laurel advisor, I teach the 16-18 year old girls.

This isn't my first time having this calling; I've had a calling in the Young Women's for the majority of my married years. In fact in the seven years I've been married, I've held almost every calling available in the Young Women's program. I love the Young Women's program. I love the lessons, I love the weekly "mutual" activities, I love girl's camp and I love being involved with the youth in the ward. I'm comfortable there, and never ever before {not even as Young Women's President} have I felt inadequate.

But for some reason the last few months have been different. Maybe I haven't spent enough time preparing. Or haven't started early enough. Maybe it's because of the group of girls that I have in my class right now. Or maybe just one or two of the girls. Maybe because I don't prepare a tablescape with every lesson {gasp}. Maybe it's because I can name 85 people in the ward that would be much better in the calling. Maybe because I get too excited when I teach: talk to fast, to loud, repeat myself. Maybe because I have young children and a husband that I would much rather spend my time with. Maybe it's none of the above. Or maybe a mix of all of the above.

But whatever it is . . . it's a battle, of sorts, that I fight every Sunday evening. That overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. 

And somehow, I'm not sure how yet, but somehow I'm going to overcome it. Any ideas?

Spence and I just heard strange noises outside and we went to check it out.
Err, um. . . I sent him to check it out while I sat comfortably {and safely} on the couch.
He found a baby deer relaxing on our back lawn.
We found a few more on the front side of the house.
That explains all my mysteriously eaten tomato and pepper plants.
And the yard full of deer poop we've been cleaning up day after day.
But they were baby deer.
And they were cute.
So I'm over it.
The eaten plants part.
Not the deer poop.
Because, seriously, gross.
That's what the neighbor's yards for.


Beth said...

Oh Kim, I know exactly what you are going through. I can totally feel your pain. All I can say is hang in there, keep praying for help and inspiration and just keep with it because this too shall pass. It just may take another year or so...
And about those smelly clothes...well, I would just wash them a few more times, I think I've been known to let that happen. As long as there was nothing dark in there you just might get lucky!!!!
I love ya Kim, you're the best Laurel advisor/visiting teaching companion/friend a girl could ever have.

Jessica said...

Just remember that inadequate is the term that all those girls are using to describe every part of their life right now. In five or maybe ten years one will come back and tell you thanks and it will make it all worth it!

TraciFree said...

I don't have any advice for the church calling, but your fan club still think's you're pretty great. And your hair looks amazing. No kidding.

Kali Jo said...

I too have been a teacher in the YW for awhile and I echo every part of your inadequecy (did i spell that right?) any how I'm kinda excited about the activity we are doing this week (and the next few weeks) we are doing calendar. Each month of the year we are taking a photo. (each girl gets a month and brings the props for it. then we give it to thier moms and dads for christmas.

Rachel said...

I found this post so ammusing, probably because I relate so well to all your "inadequacies" I am also in Young Womens right now, for the first time in a while. I have no idea what I am doing, so I am just sort of going with it. I think you are funny, and positive, and great! The girls in your YW program are lucky to have someone with all your hilarious charm, and good looks! Keep your chin up, and remember, your loud, interrupting, goofy, cute self is what we all love about you, so dont go changing that!!!

sarah louise said...

Just feel lucky that you don't feel inadequate on a daily basis about EVERYTHING! It is a hard cross to bear.
You are the least inadequate person I know!

Lindsey Lou said...

I think it is funny/interesting not funny/ha ha, that we all have defeated feelings at times. I read your blog and look at the fun things you do for your family and I think, "Maybe someday I will be able to do those things for my family too". Just remember that as long as you are giving it your best, that is plenty in the eyes of the Lord. Hopefully it will be enough for you and those you are serving as well:)

Jami said...

Kim- I was really trying to think of some off the wall crazy thing to say but couldnt come up with anything so: I share this with you half jokingly (only because I am not perfect)....BUT...I have been spending alot of my time on the church website latley and here is what I found for you:

"You’re Better Than You Think You Are"
First, if we have subjected ourselves to a constant barrage of self-criticism, let us recognize that we are better than we think we are! Elder Maxwell counseled, “Some of us stand before no more harsh a judge than ourselves, a judge who stubbornly refuses to admit much happy evidence and who cares nothing for due process.”

When things go wrong in our lives, it is easy to lose all sense of perspective. We forget our divine inheritance, when we should remember that we come from heavenly parents who love us. We are impatient for instant solutions, when often it is the passage of time that will allow things to work out. We ignore or downplay our strengths and abilities, just at the time we should be recognizing and applying them. In Johnson Oatman Jr.’s hymn, written more than 100 years ago, we are advised, “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”

A characteristic of a depressed spirit is an overconcentration on cares and concerns—an unwise wallowing in feelings of foreboding. What a difference it would make if, instead, we took account of our strengths, raised our eyes off the ground, and gave ourselves credit for how far we have already come and how much we have already achieved.

Let us recognize and make use of our talents, abilities, skills, and capacity instead of allowing these traits to be buried through self-criticism, forgetfulness, and disuse. Let us name our blessings one by one.

David S. Baxter, "Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy", Ensign, Aug. 2007, 10–14

*Just want you to know....I love you...and if we never recognized our inadequatcies, then we would never strive to make them better!*


The Staley Family said...

Most of the time I finish reading your posts and think, "if I could be like her I would be an awesome mom/wife" (Not when you are remodeling... we don't remodel and I am never envious of it!) If you want to boost your spirits come visit us. We attend a branch with only 18 other people and only one of the adults is under 60. We have no YM/YW, no Primary (right now). I am a self appointed nursery leader for 2 two year olds. Our meetings only last 2 1/2 hours and we hold nursery in my home. I was happy that we made it that long and that not one of my nursery kids cried.Ha Ha! As you can see our expectation aren't real high here and we still have feelings of inadequacy. I don't know you well, but you seem like one amazing person. This too shall pass.

Jami said...

Crystal- That is do you get to go to church if the nursery is in your house??? Or does the 18 people just plop down on your couches in the living room and call it good ;)!!! Love ya friend!

TJ and Jessica said...

Oh my goodness! I think you are amazing in SO many ways! I look up to you and pray that I will be as good of a mother as you are. I know the Young Women love you and I know your babies think the world of you! Love you sweetie, let me know if I can do anything for you!
PS- I LOVE your hair!!! Seriously!

Kimberlee said...

Something that I'm not inadequate in is friendship. I've the best friends EVER. Love you guys. Even you Jami.

Jami said...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...